Although my mom doesn't currently have a job, we bought a printer/copier/scanner. It was on a huge sale and now my mom can print her resume and business cards with it, so hopefully it was worth it. And... I can upload my shit again!!!



Yay.




But... I haven't drawn/painted much lately so most of the stuff I'll upload is about 1/2 a year old. I'm not sure if I'll start painting more or not, but maybe.


I'm at mom's house and I love her, her house/condo, the neighborhood, the way the sky looks from here, Smokey and Jakey, all my fishies, turtles, lizards, and my frog and toad, but my heart feels broken because I'm away from Murphey. Rarely, I can bring him to mom's house, but we aren't supposed to have the two dogs we have now and it costs money to feed a third dog, so that isn't often. Therefore, the only time I really see him is at my dad's house and that place is hell for both of us (and Jakey, when he has to be over there too.) I wish so badly that we could all live someplace beautiful where all the dogs were allowed and could just live out their days in peace (Murphey's almost nine, Jakey just turned eight and Smokey's only four) and where no one could neglect or abuse them. Maybe someday.

For the last several months I haven't been able to submit anything because my camera is broken(and I don't have a scanner), and there's no way I could afford a new one. So for a while I thought maybe I could borrow my mom's camera, but I'm ot sure how well it works, either.

My life keeps falling apart in various ways; my step-mom calls me a sinner and says I'm going to hell, dad continues to be crueler, I realized I don't have any close friends, and my mom lost her job. I love my mom so much and she's already rather short on money and has been applying for other jobs for a while... she even applied to Hooter's. We have two large dogs, two turtles, one frog, one toad, four lizards, and countless fish to feed, and I'm a fucking diabetic. To make it worse, my dad is basicly a deadbeat that I'm forced to live with. My mom's been afraid to sue for child support out of fear that he would hurt two my dogs and me.

Last summer was strangely wonderful, I was almost happy. I spent my days in enjoyable manners and honestly tried to become better at drawing. I appreciated art so much and was fascinated by water color techniques and fantasy art. I tried so hard to learn atanomy better and how to be create with fantasy things.

I ran often and slept outside in the rain. I climbed pines and explored more than ever before. I had beautiful dreams and my mind seemed purer. But so many things have happened... my dad's slaying what ever creative and beautiful things that once dwelt in my mind, and I can't bring them back. Parts of me are dead that I thought could never die, and now I'm left to wonder why. I've tried so hard not to let my dad break me, but maybe I steeled my heart a bit to much and things died. I feel empty; I know what I'm missing, I remember them clearly, but I don't know how to get them back, if I ever can. I haven't drawn one fantasy thing in months, and that's... strange.

During most of last summer I felt so alive, but now I feel so... not quite dead, and not lost, but so... missing.